I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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