New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
