I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
