does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
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