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Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
