apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
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As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
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I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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