Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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