do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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