I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
