Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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