Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
