Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
