Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
