so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
