my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
