I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Randomize
