they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
