Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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