Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
