Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
