Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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