dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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