Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
