I looked at my own cervix.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
