found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
