Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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