I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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