she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
she told me i tasted like america
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
