when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
