I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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