Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
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