another moral hangover. fuck.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
