I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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