I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
