So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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