Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
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