yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
