Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
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