I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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