But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
