I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
