So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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