if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
