so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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