so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
