a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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