dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Can you repeat that, but with context?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
