I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
