yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
