3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
