Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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