mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
