NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
