meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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