dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
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