I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
