if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
