Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
